Archive for August, 2009

Know the Dinosaurs

Monday, August 31st, 2009

Tyrannosaurus Rex, Diplodocus, and that one from “Jurassic Park” that spits goo. OMG, there are so many to remember! There are over thirty different dinosaurs. You basically have to be a museum to remember them all.

And what does each one do? They all basically have their own foods and habitats and specialties. Like, for example that one from “Jurassic Park” specializes in spitting goo. I’m lost already! Thank God I wrote the next part of this guide first, before I was lost! LOL.

The Velociraptor

The Velociraptor

The Velociraptor (aka “The Raptor”)

The Velociraptor lives in forests and jungles. It hunts in packs, and it kills with its horns. It loves attention and can be fed from your hand. Don’t scare it though! They have been known for how they love to kill anything. Many Velociraptors once roamed the Earth, but now they are all extinct since they all got hit by meteors. Bad luck! LOL.

Many people theorize that the Velociraptor also would eat rocks to help to digest meat. This is because, when you find the underground Velociraptor fossils, often their stomachs were filled with rocks. Their greatest enemies are man and that dinosaur from “Jurassic Park” that spits goo.

The Rhinosaurus

The Rhinosaurus


The Rhinosaurus lives primarily in the desert and the mountains. They can run about 100-105 mph top speed, and they can jump about 10 feet. Masters of logic, they often trap their prey by hiding and then eating them when they walk by. With such little arms, their greatest weakness is they die from gravity if they fall. As a result, they are the only animal to not need sleep.

They can chase you all day, because, in addition to not sleeping, they do not run out of energy. At a height of about 100 feet, they would tower over even the tallest building today. Luckily though, they died off in the Cretaceous Era, due to smoke and disease. Haha, and your mom tells you not to smoke! Irony!

The Stegosaurus

The Stegosaurus


A vegetable-eater, the Stegosaurus eats mostly vegetables like lettuce, peas, and carrots. Their habitat was mostly prairies and estuaries. They would use their long snouts to talk into each other’s ears and to strangle their prey. Their greatest enemy was the Velociraptor, which would stab into its side with all three horns. Stegosaurus was more of a lover than a fighter, so it would just take it. Whatever, guess what, some of them didn’t go extinct and live on today and are featured in some movies like Indiana Jones 2 and Jumanji, which generated them using computer special effects.

I know, I know! How tall were they? Common question. About 40 feet more or less, but no one really knows for sure, as very few survive today. What we do know is that, unlike most dinosaurs that still roam today, they are very nice and can be good pets if you live in India or China. However, they are banned in most of America.

Anyway, I hope that helps clear some things up. I know that basically still leaves like 20 more dinosaurs, but don’t worry. Once you know a couple, you’ll learn the rest like you are addicted to a drug.

An Email from Captain Barter

Sunday, August 30th, 2009

From: “Cap’n Barter”
To: (my address)


This is your amigo Captain Craig Burton, otherwise known as CAPTAIN BARTER!!! I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the economy is going down with all hands! Now, I don’t want to alarm you, but the dollar is getting dashed against the rocks! It’s going the way of the dubloon! “No more dollars?!” I hear you saying, “But what will we do?” Come visit Captain Barter is what you do. I’m down on the docks! My crew and I are in Warehouse 227, and we’ve got stuff to swap no matter what you bring in. Come on down, bring the kids! You can park your car, even! Hell, I’ll trade you a parking spot for a screwdriver or a box of cornflakes.

Your money’s no good here, but if you need some new stuff, bring your old stuff, we’ll do a spit-shake, and you’ll be on your way. You want a baby grand for the living room? I have two, and I’ll let you have one for a set of brake pads for an Elantra. Bartering goods is a great time – come on, it will be fun! I like trading junk and stuff so much I stopped sailing the seas to be a full time barter guy. Tell you what, you bring a bottle of rum to swap, and I’ll give you my hat so you can be the captain! Fun times, ho!

Do I hear you saying you have gold to trade? Don’t bring gold! Gold’s like money! Get that crap outta here! You have fancy hubcaps? Bring those! It’s okay if you only have three – I know a guy who’s into that. Do you have the finest Indian spices or maybe some bales of cotton? That’s primo bartering goods, and for such I could maybe even trade you something special. I can’t say what in this email, but for now let’s call it “opium.”

We also have specials down here on Barter Island (It’s not really an island – I already told you it’s on the docks, ha ha!) I have a working Audi for the first guy to bring my crew and I some decent food or vitamins. It’s 2009, but an old sailor can still get scurvy, and we can’t live on Doritos. (You want some of those? We have tons! Literally!) Shoot, this is a hot deal: I’ll swap you 200 real copies of Windows Vista for some…I don’t know, automatic weapons?! That’s a barter! You bring the goods, we’ll get on my boat, go make the trade in international waters. Bring the fam – call it a fishing vacation!

Okay, time for me to go erase some transactions from the captain’s log! Feel free to come down any time, even 3am. Just ring the brass bell three times and shout “I’m not with the Feds!”, and the night watch will let you in. Just keep your hands where we can see ’em!

~Captain Barter

Children of the Mountain

Sunday, August 30th, 2009

This weekend, the number one movie in America is a film called “Children of the Mountain,” a survival story very, very loosely based on the darkest year of my life.

The film tells the story of several children who crash land on a tropical island and survive with the help of their trusty dog and some friendly pirates. I have received many questions from the press about my experiences on that island, mostly based on the false assumption that the film has something to do with what actually happened. It does not.

We were not, in fact, stranded in a tropical paradise, but instead a hellish, rocky tundra many miles off the coast of Nova Scotia. Many months were spent wasting away on that rock in the cold sea. It was devoid of shelter and any sign of life.

The pilot did not die saving us from a tiger. He was stabbed in the heart with a length of driftwood after threatening to rape Timothy Hickman if Timmy didn’t hand over his last remaining biscuit.

All the children besides me — Timothy, Billy, and Christian — did not survive with me in a cave under a waterfall as portrayed in “Children of the Mountain.” We instead drew straws, and cannibalized each other, one-by-one. I am the only survivor, and there passes not a day I am not haunted by shame and guilt.

I was not saved by a friendly band of pirates. Rather, I was abducted and sold into sex slavery, only to escape months later by gauging out the eyes my keeper with the butt of a spoon.

Nothing about my experiences resemble “Children of the Mountain.” There was no friendly dog. We did not build bamboo pipes to transport water. In fact, the only potable water we had came from seagulls we juiced for blood. And most of all, we did not sing songs about coconuts and loving life without our parents. However, the scene where we fight over who gets to wear the only hat, oddly enough, did indeed happen.

To clarify, “Children of the Mountain” is a great film. I especially liked the songs “Jungle Party” and “Mmm, More Coconuts.” Just please stop asking me how badly I want to go back.

Little Science Wizard

Sunday, August 30th, 2009

For over twenty-five years, our company has been the world-leader in science educational kits and the development of our good nation’s next generation of great young minds. As the Vice-President of LearnPower Inc., I stand behind my company’s exceptional record in quality scientific educational supplies.

Our records indicate that you purchased our high-end kit “Little Science Wizard” either through our catalog or web store in the previous nine months, and I am legally obligated by the states of Massachusetts, Florida, and California to apologize for what can best be described as a grave lapse in judgment on behalf of myself and my company, LearnPower Inc.

When we first envisioned “Little Science Wizard” chemistry and physics set as a top-of-the-line educational kit for young scientists, we hoped to provide unlimited potential for discovery. Regretfully, it seems, “Little Science Wizard” was a little too unlimited for state and national safety and controlled substance guidelines.

To start, “Little Science Wizard” contained all the necessary ingredients for the synthesis of (2S)-N-methyl-1-phenyl-propan-2-amine, also known as methamphetamine, meth, crystal, speed, ice, crank, or desoxyephedrine. However, the real mistake was the step-by-step instructions provided in the “Little Science Wizard Fun Mix Science Book” included with the “Little Science Wizard” set.

We also are deeply sorry that every set came with a twelve-inch stick of sawdust-stabilized dynamite. A supply chain problem importing what were supposed to be Chinese “mystery fizzle sticks,” resulted in the dangerous substitutions, and our prayers go out to the families who lost love ones as a result of our inexcusable mistake.

It would be a travesty for me to neglect to mention the “Little Apothecary” set of potions included with “Little Science Wizard.” Many of these “potions” were actually mixes of powerful anesthetics and, in a couple cases, tropical neurotoxins harvested from several deadly varieties of frogs and conch shells. The picture on the box of a child injecting his friend in the ear was not only scientifically misleading but also encouraged children to inject their friends with these dangerous toxins and controlled chemicals. Primarily in the ear.

We have long stood behind the inclusion of chemicals that are, to some extent, dangerous in our “Little Science Wizard” sets as an essential part of helping young scientists properly explore chemistry and the physical sciences, however we now recognize that we stepped over several boundaries, that at the time, we should have recognized. Likewise, please accept our court-ordered reparation check for $1.85 and a gift certificate to our award-winning web store, which includes scientific supplies, flash cards, and apparel.

Thank you for your understanding,
Peter McGivins
Vice-Preisdent, LearnPower Inc.