Archive for September, 2009

Lactose Intolerance

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

Lactose Intolerance

Tabloid Time

Saturday, September 26th, 2009

Brit

Pitt

Oprah

Pill Eating Contest

Monday, September 21st, 2009

Pill Eating Contest

Delaying Urination Can Permanently Damage Your Bladder

Sunday, September 20th, 2009

The beginning of universe. A gleaming particle plasma churns at billions of degrees within the first moments since the birth of time. Like a clay pot removed from a kiln, all of existence settles upon shape and form.

A million Earths. A million histories. Perhaps our world is but the lucky kin of a blemish in that earliest cosmological stew. Perhaps our world — our universe as we know it — is an arbitrary face on an infinitely-sided dice.

It’s funny…how such microscopic nuances dance through time. Sometimes shriveling into meaninglessness while other times blowing up. Becoming everything.

What if Hitler were never born? What if Eve had never eaten from the forbidden tree? What if Newton had never sat under his tree? How many unborn Einsteins and Mozarts never were because of accidents or circumstance?

Questions like these could drive a man mad. But then how does one peer into the future when it is all but a foggy mist? How can one make a decision if any thread of cause and effect is lost in knots and tangles?

The best one can do is look to the past. History provides clarity in equal abundance with fiction, of course, however at least one need’nt look far before she finds a chain with all links in rank.

Poor decisions early in life can lead to poor later lives. And reflecting on the poor decisions of lives past, we see ten bad choices for every good one. It is with this thought I beg of you, never hesitate to relieve urinary pressure.

Perhaps you are today a youth free of care, but your decisions early in life will follow your future self. Whether those decisions are a prize or a haunt lies in your will to heed the mistakes of those before you.

Bladders are sensitive organs. Holding your relief can distend or even rupture in the most dreadful ways. You can pee blood. Heed my words: delaying urination can permanently damage your bladder.

A Look at Things to Come

Sunday, September 6th, 2009

Today is not the same as yesterday. I guess if you live in a science chamber at the bottom of the ocean, today is pretty much the same as yesterday. Or maybe you live in a regular house, but you just haven’t gone outside for the last two days, so you’re not even really sure what day it is. For normal people though, every day is different. That’s why the future is going to be so strange; it is many days from now. Or it could be like three days from now, and a lot of weird stuff could happen before then. Who knows? There are some things we do know will happen in the future though, because scientists who talk to computers, philosophers who think about junk, and crazy old ladies who read tea leaves all agree.

In the near future (8 months from now), only men will use the internet. Women won’t be pushed out, they will just upgrade to the Estronet, which is like an internet for brains and emotions. The womenfolk will wear special earings which will let them share information with every other woman, even when they are asleep, and especially when they are at the nail salon. One problem with the Estronet is that if one woman starts crying, so will all the other women on her local network, or at least they will get very moody. Meanwhile, on the “manternet,” sites like Allrecipes.com will disappear, because if a man doesn’t know how to cook something, he will just post to a newsgroup or order a pizza online.

Scientists think that the decreased interaction between genders arising from the seperate internets will be a problem in the long run, but in the short term will be beneficial for humanity. As it dawns on men that they are alone on the internet, they will stop trying to impress other men posing as women on message boards. They will turn their collective mind to the greatest questions in philosophy. With their joined brainpower, men will resolve human morality and free will within two weeks. Empowered with this knowlege, the men will build a giant bank of computer code, to which they will all contribute between rounds of online combat games and debates about the World Series. In less than a month, this bank of code will be the first genuine artificial intelligence, which will reproduce itself and populate the internet. So, men will not be alone on the internet for long: soon they will be joined by genderless robots programmed as a cross between Ernest Hemingway and Paul Bunyan.

Eventually, the men will realize that they need time away from the internet, so they can keep having things to type in all caps about. Therefore, Sundays and all federal holidays will be “nonternet” days, during which men will go outside and hunt and fish and hanglide and play guitar with their buddies in the garage. With any luck, on the nonternet days, the men will remember they have wives and girlfriends, and maybe some more babies will get made. More likely though, the women will have used the Estronet to become exceptionally good at science and government, and will have all moved to South America to make a society of clone women.

And that’s why we have to blow up the internet.