An Email from Captain Barter

From: “Cap’n Barter”
To: (my address)


This is your amigo Captain Craig Burton, otherwise known as CAPTAIN BARTER!!! I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the economy is going down with all hands! Now, I don’t want to alarm you, but the dollar is getting dashed against the rocks! It’s going the way of the dubloon! “No more dollars?!” I hear you saying, “But what will we do?” Come visit Captain Barter is what you do. I’m down on the docks! My crew and I are in Warehouse 227, and we’ve got stuff to swap no matter what you bring in. Come on down, bring the kids! You can park your car, even! Hell, I’ll trade you a parking spot for a screwdriver or a box of cornflakes.

Your money’s no good here, but if you need some new stuff, bring your old stuff, we’ll do a spit-shake, and you’ll be on your way. You want a baby grand for the living room? I have two, and I’ll let you have one for a set of brake pads for an Elantra. Bartering goods is a great time – come on, it will be fun! I like trading junk and stuff so much I stopped sailing the seas to be a full time barter guy. Tell you what, you bring a bottle of rum to swap, and I’ll give you my hat so you can be the captain! Fun times, ho!

Do I hear you saying you have gold to trade? Don’t bring gold! Gold’s like money! Get that crap outta here! You have fancy hubcaps? Bring those! It’s okay if you only have three – I know a guy who’s into that. Do you have the finest Indian spices or maybe some bales of cotton? That’s primo bartering goods, and for such I could maybe even trade you something special. I can’t say what in this email, but for now let’s call it “opium.”

We also have specials down here on Barter Island (It’s not really an island – I already told you it’s on the docks, ha ha!) I have a working Audi for the first guy to bring my crew and I some decent food or vitamins. It’s 2009, but an old sailor can still get scurvy, and we can’t live on Doritos. (You want some of those? We have tons! Literally!) Shoot, this is a hot deal: I’ll swap you 200 real copies of Windows Vista for some…I don’t know, automatic weapons?! That’s a barter! You bring the goods, we’ll get on my boat, go make the trade in international waters. Bring the fam – call it a fishing vacation!

Okay, time for me to go erase some transactions from the captain’s log! Feel free to come down any time, even 3am. Just ring the brass bell three times and shout “I’m not with the Feds!”, and the night watch will let you in. Just keep your hands where we can see ’em!

~Captain Barter

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