Childcare in the 21st Century

Babies aren’t complicated. They are simple. Do I own any babies? Nope, but I understand the principles. The baby’s inputs are water, air, food, and heat. The baby’s outputs are poop and noise. Simple like a simple machine, for example a wedge.

And yet, every one is still all like babies are a big deal. I don’t know what century you’re living in, but I live in the 21st. And my century has mad machines and factories that take care of my shit.

Why stop with everything else, when there are still babies remaining as unsolved problems. Thanks to me, problem solved. My machine, the baby machine, solves it.

The baby machine resembles a hyberbaric chamber. Why? Because it used to be one. It also has tanks next to it. Don’t worry about the tanks.

Your first step is to put the baby in the baby machine. It’s that simple.

Next, slide the feeding tubes into the baby’s esophagus. Make sure not to block its airway. Even in this machine, babies can die.

Slam the steel door shut. We’re ready to roll. Just turn on the baby machine’s computer, and go take care of your shit.

What if the baby cries? Don’t worry. Not like you could hear it through 2 inches of steel anyway. But even so, the baby machine just changes the gas mixture to a cocktail of nitrous oxide and pure oxygen held at a sleepy 0.8 atmospheres of pressure. If the baby’s exhaustion doesn’t put it to sleep, its little brain stem will.

Baby wants more food? The computer will feed it many times a day using medical equations.

Baby wants milk? The computer’s got that down too.

But babies need to be touched! That’s why the machine is equipped with an array of organofluidic heated hand bladders. They’ll hold and snuggle the baby until it thinks it has twelve parents. Meanwhile, guess who’s taking care of their shit. The parent or guardian. That’s who.

As an inventor and a person who simulated a baby on his laptop, I can tell you with utmost certainty, my machine will not only keep your baby hyperstimulated and heated, but also happy. The baby machine is like a crib combined with a microwave, although I’m referring to how a microwave adds convenience to your life. Now, go live your life and take care of your shit!

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