Bikes for Sale

Greetings to you, fellow disciples of the wheel and chain.

I am the man with bikes for sale. I will describe the bicycles in detail below, and you will come buy them, if Dame Fortune decides not to spite me as she has for the last wretched fortnight. I live in the manor at the foot of Alembic Hill. If you are unfamiliar, you will recognize it as the house which seems as if the plagues of Egypt and an ice age were visited upon it. No need to knock, just walk around back to the garage.

Bike I – $100
Ten speed, fitted steel frame, vintage 70’s model of obscure Italian make. This is a good bike, but it is not a Good bike. It was on this bike that my uncle Henry had a heart attack mere meters before he would have won a popular criterium. It is said that as Henry fell to the tarmac, the bike glistened maliciously. Needs a new tube.

Bike II – $800
Dark green tandem bike with gilded details. A handsome, romantic vehicle for long rides at sunset with your sweetheart. Although, every rider to sit on the back seat has died horribly.

Bike III – $120
Not a bicycle. High quality unicycle of Gallic origin. Understood to have belonged to the famed harlequin Adalard Bontecou before the onset of his madness in 1905. It has been demonstrated that frequent riding bestows the owner with a remarkable resistance to death. In the throes of insanity, Bontecou himself claimed that after thirty years of riding the unicycle, not even the devil would take him. He subsequently escaped from a Parisian asylum and is still at large, possibly still alive.

Bike IV – $50
Eighteen speed mountain bike. The worst entry in this accursed assembly of vehicles. Hasn’t caused any premature death, it’s just a piece of crap.

Bike V – Not for Sale
I will not sell this bicycle, for fear of its terrible retribution. Although it is an ordinary Nishiki racer by day, it becomes something altogether more ghastly at night. Many is the morning I have awoken to find it broken free of its lock, tattered clothing festooning its handlebars, and fresh blood greasing its chain. I suspect that this devil’s chariot transforms and is in fact responsible for the recent string of murders at the harbor. Bring a crucifix, holy water, and a blowtorch, and let us be done with it. In exchange for your labor in this dark task, I’ll bake brownies.

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