A Guide to Washing Your Hands

For employees of Big Montana Smokehouse Restaurants Inc. TO BE POSTED ABOVE ALL RESTROOM SINKS

At Big Montana Smokehouse, cleanliness is not just the law, it’s also a mindset. It keeps our customers and employees happy and healthy, and that’s just a good way to live. However, without proper hand washing technique, you can actually still leave with dirty hands or maybe even hands dirtier than you started with. And that’s no good.

Your goal when you wash your hands is to clean off oils, dirt, particles, and dead skin layers, while killing disease-causing viruses and bacteria. First thing you want to do is turn on the hot water. Wait a minute there partner. Don’t just do it with your hands. That handle was touched by a lot of people. And they all had dirty hands (that’s why they used it). Instead, use a paper towel as a barrier between you and the hot water knob.

Whoa, whoa! Hold up. You cannot just touch that paper towel dispenser! It was touched by people who had dirty hands and were themselves dispensing towels for use as a knob-hand barrier. Use your noggin! Take a step back. Go into an open bathroom stall. We’re going to use toilet paper to operate the dispenser.

If you can, use the stall furthest from the entrance. The front stall is used by the people that really had to go. We don’t want any of that, thank you. Not the handicap stall! The luxury of an expansive stall draws the folk who spend too long on the potty. Choose the last stall that is NOT handicapped.

Push open the stall door with your elbow. Place one foot on the seat and wipe your elbow on your knee. Now, with your other knee, unravel us much toilet paper as you can without it touching the ground. Tear it off and dispose of it. The outer layer of toilet paper has been exposed to dirty air. Unravel some more. Good, good. Tear it off, and wrap your hand in it.

Back at the towel dispenser now, pump out a couple feet of paper towel. Obviously it goes without saying that you must dispose of the outer layer. Great, now tear off the paper towel and wrap the hand that does not already have toilet paper on it. Use that hand to turn on the hot water. Wait for a minute or two, just to ensure the water is as hot as possible. Remove the paper, and wet your hands under the water. If it doesn’t sting, it isn’t working.

See that white residue? That’s a layer of dead skin you burned off. Time for soap. Pump the soap into one hand, using the middle knuckle of the other. Now immediately wash that knuckle! Lather your hands for four or five minutes. Don’t rush it. I recommend lathering half way to your elbow.

Lathered? It’s time to rinse. Stick the hands back under the sink. DO NOT ACCIDENTALLY TOUCH THE SINK AT THIS STAGE, OR YOU MUST START OVER. Great. Now you should see the remnants of your outer layers of skin peel off along with most dirt and oil. However, some bateria and virus proteins can survive these temperatures. And, to be medical, soap doesn’t do anything really.

Okay, calm down. You are probably nervous at this point. Thinking about all the germs in the room. How every surface in this filthy, filthy room is basically a petri dish. Can you get the water get any hotter?

Quickly, pump out some more paper towels with your elbow. NO! Don’t do that. Knee out some more toilet paper in the stall. Shit! Someone’s in the stall. Fuck fuck. Okay, you’ll use the handicap bathroom. Just this once. God! What is that green stuff on the floor? Forget it, you’ll elbow out some paper towels.

Ugh! Your hands felt cold as you pumped the towel machine. That meant air was blowing on them! The air carried with it billions of microscopic particles. You think you may have breathed some of it. Not feeling well. Oh, God!

Okay, you’ve wrapped your hands in paper towel again. Let’s see if you can get that water any hotter? Fuck. Your wet hands have soaked through the towels. Bacteria could easily osmose across the towel’s filthy capillaries.

Run to the kitchen. The sink there is bigger and has hotter water. No soap. Push the dishwasher out of the way. It’s an emergency.

What do they have? Comet. That’ll finish the job. Just pour it on there. All over your hands. It’ll burn. But at least you’re taking out those microbes. On your hands anyway. What about your nose? Your nose is filtering the air. Sucking in disease. You have to plug them up.

After rinsing your hands, cut up some fabric from your shirt with a clean knife in the kitchen. Roll the fabric into little cylinders. These will plug your nose. Put them in a pot with boiling water. They are clean now. Put them in your nose.

Nothing can get in now.

You are clean and, at last, nothing can get in.

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