Wizards: Bad for America

I found a book in the departure lounge at the airport the other day. I decided to read it, because my plane would not leave for another ninety-six hours. It turns out it was about a kid who learns he’s a wizard and goes to a school where they don’t teach math or wood shop. I was so angry, I set fire to the book. I burned it right there in the airport. I didn’t get arrested because I am a patriot. Why was I so mad? Because kids are stupid and they think wizards are so great. Every kid wants to be a wizard, even the ones who are good at sports and have never heard the word “obelisk.”

So why aren’t more kids wizards? That’s probably the most important question a human being could ever ask. More kids. Wizards. Why not are?

Because becoming a wizard is stupid hard. Not being a wizard; I didn’t say that. Being a wizard is easy. Those idiots just sit around all day turning their farts into pennies.

It’s hard to become a wizard because there is always the same amount of those guys. Only when one dies or forgets how to be a wizard does someone else get to be a wizard. And you magically learn all the spells and weird crap wizards do once you take the old wizard’s stuff, like the wood staff and maybe a gross, mangy monkey he had for a pet. Sometimes, when a wizard dies, a wizard who is already a wizard tries to take that dead wizard’s place and be a double wizard. Dang, wizard, that doesn’t work! Why are wizards so dumb?! Because they don’t have to learn anything! They don’t study for midterms or prepare presentations; they just turn pencils into snakes.

Some kids find out that they have to take over from a wizard to be one. That’s why you always hear news about kids killing wizards. But some kids aren’t wizard-murderers, so maybe if you live in a nice, family neighborhood, you’ve seen packs of kids following weird old men around. Damn kids are just waiting for that wizard to croak, so they can fight each other to be the last one left holding the magical cloak. That’s why sometimes you’re walking around the suburbs, and you see all these beat-up kids lying around, just strewn all over the stupid street. You can bet your bottom dollar that those stupid kids were wailing on each other for a couple of hours, just so they could have a smelly, velvet hat and know some lazy-ass spells. And that’s just great, because if there’s one thing society needs more of, it’s kids doling out beatings to each other.

If you love America, and think our kids should be better at things than Russian kids, do your country a favor and lock a wizard in your root cellar. Do it at night, so the kids don’t know he’s down there. Sure, he could magic himself out, but chances are he’s too stupid. So, you go about your business and don’t go down in that cellar for maybe five years. And eventually, a local kid makes Eagle Scout instead of mixing weird sex potions. Do your part for America’s youth. In the immortal words of the Declaration of Independence, “No goddamn wizards in this country!”

- Cooper

Lactose Intolerance

Lactose Intolerance

- Anthony

Tabloid Time

Brit

Pitt

Oprah

- Anthony

Pill Eating Contest

Pill Eating Contest

- Anthony

Delaying Urination Can Permanently Damage Your Bladder

The beginning of universe. A gleaming particle plasma churns at billions of degrees within the first moments since the birth of time. Like a clay pot removed from a kiln, all of existence settles upon shape and form.

A million Earths. A million histories. Perhaps our world is but the lucky kin of a blemish in that earliest cosmological stew. Perhaps our world — our universe as we know it — is an arbitrary face on an infinitely-sided dice.

It’s funny…how such microscopic nuances dance through time. Sometimes shriveling into meaninglessness while other times blowing up. Becoming everything.

What if Hitler were never born? What if Eve had never eaten from the forbidden tree? What if Newton had never sat under his tree? How many unborn Einsteins and Mozarts never were because of accidents or circumstance?

Questions like these could drive a man mad. But then how does one peer into the future when it is all but a foggy mist? How can one make a decision if any thread of cause and effect is lost in knots and tangles?

The best one can do is look to the past. History provides clarity in equal abundance with fiction, of course, however at least one need’nt look far before she finds a chain with all links in rank.

Poor decisions early in life can lead to poor later lives. And reflecting on the poor decisions of lives past, we see ten bad choices for every good one. It is with this thought I beg of you, never hesitate to relieve urinary pressure.

Perhaps you are today a youth free of care, but your decisions early in life will follow your future self. Whether those decisions are a prize or a haunt lies in your will to heed the mistakes of those before you.

Bladders are sensitive organs. Holding your relief can distend or even rupture in the most dreadful ways. You can pee blood. Heed my words: delaying urination can permanently damage your bladder.

- Anthony